Learning Mistletoe
by TheCatWithTheHat
Summary: Orihime takes it upon herself to make Ulquiorra's first holiday season the best he will ever have. With just 3 weeks she tries to cram in every important Christmas tradition she thinks he will ever need. And maybe they might even fall in love along the way. Ulquihime. T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: HEY CAT WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? WHY YOU STARTING A NEW STORY? WHERE IS MAH GRIMMNEL? WHERE IS MAH FAX? **

**Yeah, sorry, but this is like…counting down to Christmas, and stuff!**

**I know there are a lot of other holidays but this is what I know, and Western traditions are also what I know…so…**

**Anyway I hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Do not, have not, nor will ever own Bleach…(it would suck ass)**

**Please review! They are loved!**

"Oh my goodness!"

Ulquiorra was sitting on the couch, flipping absently through a magazine. He paused in his turning of the page, looking at the woman, who was lying on her stomach on the floor, looking at her own magazine. She had been completely absorbed in it until just a moment before when she had let out her cry.

She pushed herself up and looked at him in happy surprise. "It's December!"

He looked at her, feeling a twinge of disbelief. "Well, yes, woman. It is the fourth of December. My birthday was a few days ago."

"Yeah," Orihime Inoue fretted, "but I was so excited for your birthday that I didn't consider the other good things in December!"

Ulquiorra looked at her wordlessly. "Continue," he ordered her.

"Well, well…there's Christmas!" she said. "That's the big one!"

Ulquiorra paused, wracking his brain for any recollections of the term. Somewhere in the back recesses of his mind it rang a distant, dusty bell. Other than that he came up empty. He set down his magazine reluctantly and sat back, preparing himself for yet another lesson on some other strange human culture.

"And what, exactly, is that." His voice was flat.

She settled on her knees on the cold wood floor of her apartment, clasping her hands under her chin. "Well, it's a holiday a lot of people celebrate in our world," she said. "It's on December twenty-fifth and it's a religious holiday, but there is a lot more to it too. It's a time for family and giving gifts and eating warm food and being one with Santa Claus!"

"…Santa…?" Ulquiorra's voice trailed off for a moment, before he shook his head and decided to move on. "And this is a holiday you enjoy?"

Orihime nodded happily. "Yes! I love Christmas! I love giving presents to people, I save up all year! I have to get a present for Kurosaki-kun, Ishida-kun, Sado-kun, Rukia-chan, Tatsuki-chan, Mahana-chan, Ryo-chan, Michiru-chan…um…and you, Ulquiorra-kun!"

Ulquiorra shifted in his seat, not sure what to say. Fortunately, Orihime had never really needed anyone to help her move along a conversation.

"Ooh – but I also love making gingerbread houses!" she exclaimed dreamily. "All those candies and frosting and warm gingerbread! And decorating cookies, and caroling, and ice skating, and sitting by the fire, and all sorts of things~ Oh, Ulquiorra, aren't you so excited?"

Ulquiorra turned his expressionless eyes at her. "Is there a reason you celebrate this …holiday?" he asked her.

"Well," she said, "there are religious reasons, but that's not why I celebrate. I love to curl up on my couch on Christmas and sing along to my CD and eat enough cookies to burst!"

Ulquiorra studied her. He didn't know enough about the holiday to make a legitimate judgment, but from what he had heard her say, it sounded like a holiday that was meant to be spent with others. A family, or friends, or something. A holiday not meant to be spent alone, eating cookies and ultimately feeling sorry for yourself.

He had been living with her for a short time only but he had already started to feel slightly more sensitive towards the girl. On top of the dome that day, that day that was simultaneously the best and the worst of his life, the day when this woman had miraculously – and for reasons he still could not fathom – rejected his death…it was a surprise to him. A miracle. Aizen had been defeated, imprisoned by the Soul Society soon after, and the woman had somehow convinced him – _and _Soul Society – that he should come stay with her.

Here he was about a month later, sitting on her couch like he belonged there. But hearing her talk about all these customs – so natural, so ordinary to her, but to him it was like speaking a whole new language. Just like every other custom they had here. Take a few days ago, when she had insisted on celebrating his birthday with cake and candles and singing and even a shyly-wrapped gift.

He didn't understand any of it.

But, he thought, as he watched her eagerly return to her magazine, flopping back down on the floor and kicking her feet enthusiastically in the air, he didn't need to. She would help him, every step of the way.

"We can start our shopping tomorrow," she said happily, "does that sound good?"

Ulquiorra agreed and picked up his magazine again, opening back up to his page.

Yes, she would be there every step of the way.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey~ I'm really hoping that this will be updated every day, so expect it! XD**

**And also, if anyone has a better idea for the name of this story, please, please tell me. I thought of the name in 5 seconds and I hate it. so… :D **

**Disclaimer: Never have and never will. Or else, pretty much every chapter would be as sexual as the last one. And it wasn't even that sexual, there was just a TON of ass. (Ichigo's looked like he got paddled a lot as a child…) XD**

**Reviews are loved!**

* * *

"Rise and shine, Ulquiorra!"

Ulquiorra was pulled from sleep violently by the woman's eager voice. Blearily, he opened his eyes to see the glowing red numbers of the digital clock beside his guest room bed: 6:05.

"Woman," he groaned. "It is too early.

"No-o-o," Orihime exclaimed. She grasped the covers by Ulquiorra's chin and flung them from his body. Ulquiorra gasped quietly at the sudden loss of warmth and he turned his cold and angry eyes on her enthusiastic silvery ones.

"We have to get there right when they open up so we can get all the good stuff!"

"This must be some kind of sick joke," Ulquiorra muttered to himself. So far, nothing about this holiday seemed even remotely appealing to him. He tried to imagine Inoue's friend Arisawa getting up this early to go shopping. It was very, very difficult.

"Come on, get up," she encouraged. Ulquiorra glanced at her, still clad in her pink flannel shirt and yellow pajama pants. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, disheveled from all her excited jumping around. Her eyes were sparkly and happy and Ulquiorra felt his anger dissolve a little bit.

Then he hardened his resolve. "No," he said, turning on his stomach and slinging his arm over the pillow. He buried his nose in the crook of his arm and waited for her next assault.

Orihime sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, thinking. Then she smiled and hurried out of the room. Ulquiorra ignored her and attempted to sink his body further into the mattress, not wanting to sit and pull the blankets back over himself.

He had almost fallen back to sleep when a smell drifted into the room. His nostrils twitched and he opened his eyes grumpily. _She knows just what to do to get me, _he thought. His stomach complained to him and he grudgingly got out of bed.

Orihime smiled by the frying pan when she saw Ulquiorra stumble into the kitchen, his pajama pants slung low and his hair disheveled. He attempted to cover a yawn and failed.

"See? It's not that bad," she said, turning back to her cooking.

"I call foul play, onna," he complained drearily. "You know I can't resist it when you make that stuff."

"It's called bacon, Ulquiorra-kun," she said. "And it's ready. Eat up." She slid a plate in front of him and Ulquiorra sat down. He picked up the first piece and inserted it in to his oddly colored mouth, deciding to give up and play her little holiday games.

For now.

* * *

"Oh, goodness, this would be just _perfect_ for Sado-kun!"

Orihime held up a smallish black object. Ulquiorra couldn't even begin to guess what it might be. He shifted his feet, which were already starting to hurt.

"You know him best, Onna," he said for the nth time.

Orihime tucked the object under her arm. "We just need to stop and get something for Kurosaki-kun and then we can go!" she exclaimed.

Ulquiorra had never felt so relieved in his life. They had already been shopping for about four hours and he was beginning to hate Christmas more and more with each passing moment. His feet hurt, his back ached, he was exhausted and hungry. What was worse was that the woman was making him carry every single gift so she could dart about the store like some kind of a fairy.

"How long will this take," he shifted the bags in his arms, "I wish to go home, Onna."

"It shouldn't be more than a minute," Orihime reassured him. She skipped into the next store and Ulquiorra stumbled after her tiredly. He hated getting up early. Sleeping in was the first wonder he had discovered in the World of the Living and he had learned to love it very quickly.

He soon learned that it was going to be more than a minute. Orihime clearly had to get just the right gift for her precious nakama. Ulquiorra respected that the two were close friends but he was just about ready to drop dead. Dead asleep, that is.

"Onna," he said after Orihime had picked something up and put it down for the twentieth time. "Onna, we can finish this tomorrow. Come on, let's go."

"No, no," she insisted, "I'm almost done, just…Ah! Here!"

She turned and presented something to him. Ulquiorra bent and peered at it. It was a black necklace with a small charm on it in the shape of a reverse U. He wasn't sure what it was, but he didn't even need to ask.

"It's a horseshoe," she said. "It is a good luck charm, so he'll stay safe. It's more Western, I'm not sure why they sell it here, but I think since it's so special he will appreciate it."

"As long as we can go," Ulquiorra said.

He didn't care much for Christmas at this point, didn't care much at all. He didn't care for shopping and he didn't care for waking up early. All in all it looked like it was going to be a miserable December. But, he would tolerate it, because it made the girl beside him smile.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Don't own Bleach, except the stuff I use on my hair, and I need to bleach it again actually, there is too much brown and not enough purple for my taste.**

**Couldn't remember Michiru's last name, sorry, and didn't feel like looking it up. I'm unprofessional, so sue me.**

**Also, I'm still looking for better names, so if someone thinks of something, please tell me!**

* * *

"It's time to wrap those presents, I think!"

Ulquiorra and Orihime were eating lunch a few days after the shopping expedition. In those few days not many things had happened, but Orihime's Christmas spirit now seemed to be revived and she was ready to go.

Ulquiorra's eyebrows furrowed a little as he bent his head to catch his ramen in his mouth. He was still getting used to handling the chopsticks the woman had provided and when it came to the brothy noodles he had to work especially hard. "Wrap them? I do not understand."

"We have to cover them in paper so that the people we bought them for won't know what they are!" Orihime exclaimed. "Remember on your birthday, the presents I gave you?"

Ulquiorra thought back. It was true, the gifts he had received had all been "wrapped" in paper that was a violent shade of pink.

"Do you have other colors?" he asked her. "I do not think Sado will enjoy the shade you presented me with."

"Oh, Sado-kun won't mind!" Orihime beamed. "But I do have a teal color too, we can use that if we need to." She pushed her empty bowl away. "Let me get the supplies, okay?" she called. Without waiting for an answer, she scurried out of the room and Ulquiorra returned his attention to his noodles, delicately slurping them into his mouth. He finished just as Orihime returned to the room. In her arms was a mess of colorful paper, tape, scissors, and pens. She was also carrying the shopping bags looped around her forearms. With a grin she dumped the whole mess on the floor, before her expression turned to surprise and horror as some of the pens began to roll across the floor. She scampered after them and caught them up before they could slip down the vent. Then she sat cross legged on the floor and patted the space next to her invitingly.

"Come on, sit with me," she said, smiling up at him. Ulquiorra crawled away from the small table and kneeled on the other side of the pile, picking up the book she had purchased for Ishida.

"So, what do I do?" he asked her.

She picked up the foreign black object that was to go to Sado in one hand, grabbing the roll of pink paper in the other. She then laid the paper down flat and rolled it out a bit.

"You have to think about how much paper you are going to need," Orihime said. "I won't need too much for this." She held up the object. "But just in case, I am going to measure and make sure it goes all the way around." She put the item in the middle of the paper and continued her demonstration.

Ulquiorra watched her entire show attentively, then hesitantly picked up the other roll of paper. He laid it out just like Orihime had said, then measured the length of the book. It looked like it was going to fit so he cut it all off. In front of him, Orihime beamed proudly, watching his actions like a mother watches their child. Next to her sat Sado's perfectly wrapped gift.

Ulquiorra reached for the tape and stuck it across the seam. Then he stared at the present. The paper was sticking out from the ends and he wasn't sure what to do with it.

"Fold them in," Orihime encouraged.

Ulquiorra pulled the gift closer and picked it up. There was a thud and suddenly the paper was lighter. He looked down to see that the book had slid out from its wrapping. Irritated, he picked it up and shoved it back in. Next to him Orihime was becoming distressed but he ignored it. He crumpled the ends and pushed them across the top of the gift, then smeared tape over the top.

"There," he said, admiring the gift. The paper was wrinkled and sloppy. A three year old could have done better. Orihime took the gift and placed it next to hers.

"Let's do some more," she said.

The next gift that he wrapped – a pair of small gloves for Michiru – wasn't much better. Neither was the pink glasses case for Honsho or set of cell phone charms for Kojima. Meanwhile, the woman's gifts were neat and precise, all folded equally nicely. His looked like accidents next to hers.

An hour later the presents were all wrapped and the names of the recipients printed atop them. Ulquiorra glared at the mismatched pile. He was miserable; he couldn't even seem to handle wrapping simple gifts, which the woman did with ease. His back ached from crouching over, and his knees were killing him as well.

Ulquiorra was sure that December was going to be a long and very miserable month if it continued like this.


End file.
